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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133260">Bucky Barnes Needs a Nap</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom'>jhoom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental overdose, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Overdose, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sleep Deprivation, Tranquilizers, Worried Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:35:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,388</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky can't sleep. Nightmares plague him whenever he tries, and he turns to meds to help him when he really needs it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>166</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Bucky Barnes Needs a Nap</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>here's A N O T H E R angsty stucky ficlet thanks to <a href="https://badthingshappenbingo.tumblr.com/">Bad Things Happen</a> bingo squares! yaaay! today's prompts are: prompts: sleep deprivation, tranquilizer dart, overdose</p><p>big note for this one: bucky almost ODs. it is unintentional, but steve does not know this at the time so there is some references to suicidal thoughts</p><p>come bug me on tumblr <a href="http://jhoomwrites.tumblr.com">@jhoomwrites</a> about stucky and marvel :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky can’t sleep. </p><p>Well, he can, physically. He’s still human, after all. After long enough, his body shuts down whether he likes it or not, and he’ll find he’s passed out on the sofa or he's drifted off in his seat on the quinjet. Those are actually good days, when he’s so tired there’s no fighting it anymore and he falls into a blissfully dreamless (if not short) sleep. </p><p>So he <em> can </em> sleep. The point is, he doesn’t <em> like </em> to. </p><p>To say he has bad dreams is so grossly understating his problem. </p><p>He’ll wake up in a cold sweat, shaking off memories rattled loose from the forgotten corners of his mind. Things he’s done and things done to him, old fears made manifest before his eyes as he watches Steve die again and again, sometimes by his own hand, sometimes not. Whatever dark turn the dreams take, they’re all unwelcome and leave him shaking and hyperventilating and drenched in sweat. He’ll stare at the ceiling for hours until it’s a reasonable enough time to pretend he’s just woken up. It seems to work, or at least no one questions his habits, so good enough.</p><p>He’s bone-tired. Bags under his eyes, a weariness that makes his head a foggy mess, a dread of when everyone finally disappears to their separate rooms for the night. He just wants some fucking <em> rest</em>. </p><p>It’s almost enough to make him miss cryo, even if it’s the briefest instant of desperate want. The thought brings on its own set of nightmares, and he regrets ever allowing the traitorous wish. </p><p>Eventually, a solution presents itself by accident. </p><p>He doesn’t do missions—aside from his head being a damn mess, he’s exhausted; he can’t trust his body or his mind at this point, not with his own life and certainly not with anyone else’s—but he does occasionally need maintenance on his arm. It's the only time he gets anywhere close to a doctor's visit.</p><p>“This is going to hurt,” Stark says as he pulls over his tools. </p><p>Bucky tries not to roll his eyes; it doesn’t hurt when Shuri works on it, but it’s not worth bringing up. Whether it’s some sort of petty revenge or a skill thing, Bucky doesn’t want to deal with Stark’s hurt ego. </p><p>“Whatever,” Bucky mutters. “I can take it.” </p><p>“Yeah, but here’s the thing… You don’t have to?” Stark wheels over on a stool with an obnoxiously squeaky wheel. “I got some tranquilizers, I could knock you out. Might make it easier for both of us. Save you some pain, save me your charming personality.”</p><p>“Serum,” Bucky says as he leans back against the cold metal of the exam chair. “Won’t work.” </p><p>At this, Tony rolls his eyes. “I got stuff strong enough to knock Rogers out when they need to do surgery on him to pull out bullets. Like you, he usually says he can take it, but that’s another case of someone who’s easier to work on when they’re knocked out.” </p><p>Bucky quirks his head. He can readily imagine Steve dismissing meds designed for his own comfort, and it draws a fond smile before his sleep-deprived brain catches up to the actual offer. </p><p>A tranquilizer strong enough to work on him…? </p><p>“Do it,” he says with a nod. He closes his eyes in sweet anticipation, the warm liquid disappearing into his veins so quickly he’s out before he can count to three. </p><p>It’s a peaceful type of sleep. The drug-induced state keeps him under and better yet, it keeps the dreams at bay. No pleasant dreams of Brooklyn and days gone by or what could be if only he weren’t a coward, but no nightmares either. It’s a trade he’s more than willing to make, and he wakes up an hour later more rested than he’s been in literal years.</p><p>“How ya feeling, champ?” Stark asks. His back’s to Bucky as he cleans up; they don't usually talk more than they have to, if only to help keep the peace. </p><p>Bucky does his due diligence inspecting his arm; functioning within acceptable parameters and 17% better than it was before the maintenance. He suspects Tony knows that his work was successful, so Bucky doesn’t bother addressing it.</p><p>“I don’t sleep well,” he says instead. </p><p>Stark gives him A Look over his shoulder. “Like, ever?” </p><p>“Not really.” It feels like weakness to admit it, especially to Stark of all people, but he sees a means to an end here. “Do you have more tranquilizers?” </p><p>Tony makes a noise in the back of his throat. “Cap know you don’t sleep well?” </p><p>If he were the Soldier, he’d have answered honestly; lying had been beaten out of him long ago. Barnes, however, had been <em> good </em> at lying. </p><p>“Yes,” he says. </p><p>Whether Tony actually believes him or would rather not know better, he gives an accepting nod. “I can give you some. Enough for a few nights. If it helps, lemme know and maybe we can get them to you more regularly?”</p><p>He means through more regulated channels, of course. An actual doctor or therapist or whatever. If this does in fact help, then Bucky might actually consider it (assuming that stealing it proves too much trouble). </p><p>“Sure.” </p><p>In the end, he ends up with dosage instructions and enough for a whole week’s worth of sleep. </p><p>A week? Of sleeping like a normal, fully-functioning human being? It sounds like fucking heaven. </p><p>Even so, he has no intention of using it every night. Using it every night would imply that he needs sleep every night, and he’s learned long ago that’s not the case. The serum helps, he’s sure, but so has necessity; he <em> doesn’t </em> sleep, and while it’s not ideal, his body’s more or less adapted to what little time he can piece together. If he uses it sparingly, spreads it out, he thinks he can make it last for a few months. </p><p>It takes a couple tries to figure out how much to use. The tranquilizer seems designed specifically for Steve, which means for whatever reason, it’s not quite right for Bucky. The first time he uses it, he’s only out for six hours. Not bad, actually, but not a full night’s sleep. The second time he tries a little more and he’s out for eleven. That’s… that’s too much. His body was stiff from so long in one spot, and his head was foggy all day. </p><p>Enough that Steve noticed. Asked him if he was sick and everything, fussed over him more than usual. Knowing that’s unacceptable, Bucky decides that maybe the regular dosage and a fitful six hours might have to do. Better than nothing, right? </p><p>What Stark intended for seven nights is still going strong eight months later. Bucky’s only used the equivalent of four doses so far, grabbing them on days he’s already feeling low and knows sleep won’t come easy and won’t come kindly for him. The semblance of normalcy it can bring him is refreshing. He doesn’t look forward to when he runs out—what an unpleasant conversation <em> that’ll </em> be, trying to convince Stark for more or god forbid, having to talk to Steve about the whole thing—but that’s a problem for Future Bucky. </p><p>Maybe if he rations it properly and accepts a few four- or two-hour nights, he might be able to spread it out a bit longer… </p><p>He’s already at the tail end of a wakeful period when Steve pulls him aside. Bucky doesn’t plan on using the tranqs until next week at the earliest, but it’s coming up; he’s exhausted, despite having passed out on a gym mat for a couple hours the other day. </p><p>“I’m going on a mission,” Steve says, his hand lingering on Bucky’s metal arm. He does that a lot, like he maybe thinks Bucky can’t feel it. </p><p>He can. </p><p>“Okay,” Bucky says. Steve’s often going on missions. He has moved more to the ‘operational’ side of the Avengers in recent years, something the other Avengers whisper is for Bucky’s sake. </p><p>That might be a part of it, but Bucky thinks it’s something else. Maybe it’s simply because Steve’s tired of constantly shipping out only to have to do it all over again a week later, an endless cycle of cleaning up a world that never seems to get any cleaner despite his best efforts. </p><p>Bucky is admittedly a little suspicious. Steve goes with enough regularity that it doesn’t warrant a private conversation where Steve has that look in his eyes like he’s about to hurt Bucky’s feelings for disappearing for a day. </p><p>Still, he doesn’t see it coming when Steve admits, “I’ll probably be gone a week.”</p><p>Oh. That’s… that’s… </p><p>Unfortunate. Awful. Terrible. Giving him a panic attack because Steve gets into enough trouble when he’s gone less than twenty-four hours, what the fuck could he do with a whole week?</p><p>“Okay,” he says. “Good luck.” </p><p>And right then and there, he can tell Steve’s about to call off the whole mission and stay with him, which is fucking ridiculous, so he adds, “Try not to do anything stupid or I’m grounding you.” </p><p>It helps a little. Steve relaxes at the barb and smiles. “What, you my babysitter now?” </p><p>“Now? Get fucked, Rogers. I’ve been watching out for your sorry ass since the 30s. I’ve <em> been </em> your babysitter the whole damn time.” </p><p>Steve laughs now, his eyes lighting up, and Bucky figures it was worth the lies it took to make it happen. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p><b>Day One:</b> Bucky knows he’s tired, so he hits the gym. He goes through a dozen punching bags, runs until a treadmill breaks from overuse, lifts weights until he can barely move. It should work, should let him pass out once he crawls into bed. It doesn’t, and he stares at the blank walls as the hours tick by and his body slowly recovers. Sleep doesn’t come. </p><p><b>Day Two:</b> He does some yoga and meditation. Not for the sleep, he knows it won’t lead to that, but to turn off his brain for a bit to recharge. It helps, but only minutely. He’s still so damn tired but when he tries to sleep, he wakes up screaming. Worse, he was only unconscious an hour. What little rest he gained doesn’t feel worth the nightmare. Even awake, he can feel people poking at his brain. He won’t be sleeping tonight.</p><p><b>Day Three:</b> In desperation, he sneaks into Steve’s room and crawls into his abandoned bed. He rarely even admits it to himself, but those days they were on the run, he felt safe then. Steve was there watching over him, and he slept well knowing that. Not great—he was so wired, so worried his bullshit would get Steve hurt—but better than he’s slept since then. Maybe if he’s in Steve’s bed, with his smell and the ghost of his presence there standing guard… Sleep doesn’t come.</p><p><b>Day Four:</b> He eyes the remaining vials of tranquilizer. Three containers, each guaranteeing six hours of sleep. That’s 18 hours total. Not even a day, and Bucky’s so desperately lonely he knows that’s not enough. He wants to sleep and rest and then wake up to Steve being there and then maybe he can go back to pretending he’s fixed all the problems Hydra gave him. He takes one dose, sleeps like a baby in Steve’s bed, wakes up only four hours later still exhausted.</p><p><b>Day Five:</b> Bucky walks in on a video chat between Steve and Nat. She’s checking in on Sam and Clint, both with Steve, and laughing at some story Steve’s just told. Bucky lingers by the door, watching the easy friendship between them. He sees Steve smiling, happy even if he looks a little dinged up, and it hurts in a strange way. Bucky’s miserable here without him, barely holding it together, and there Steve is, in the middle of nowhere fighting who the fuck even knows, happy. </p><p>Turning on his heel, he leaves before either of them notice him. It would hurt too much to see Steve’s smile go to mock concern as he pretends to miss Bucky. Dutiful best friend and all, Bucky might even buy the act and he’s not sure he should let himself.</p><p>He burns through the remaining two doses; it earns him ten hours of sleep.</p><p><b>Day Six:</b> “Can I have some more of those tranquilizers?”</p><p>Stark frowns and then blinks in surprise. “I actually forgot about those. Figured you’d run through a while ago and gotten sorted out.” </p><p>“I used the last one a month ago but I’m still having trouble sleeping.”</p><p>Stark’s already digging through some draws. He doesn’t care, doesn’t suspect anything. All the Avengers must have issues sleeping, given the shit they’ve been through; Bucky might not be one of them, but he’s given the same professional courtesy. </p><p>And it’s not like he went through them all the week he got them; Bucky spread them out, so therefore Bucky does not have a <em> real </em> problem, right? </p><p>Right.</p><p>“Here’s…” Stark rolls the vials in his hand and counts them out as he drops them into Bucky’s flesh one. “Five. All I got for ya, but five should do you for a bit. Don’t spend ‘em all in one place, kiddo.” </p><p><em> I’m over a hundred years old</em>, he wants to say. <em> I was friends with your dad. </em></p><p><em> I killed your dad, </em> part of him answers back, and he decides to keep his mouth shut. </p><p>Steve’s not due back for nearly thirty-six hours. Assuming he arrives on time, which is unlikely. The punk’s never been on time for shit, but there’s no use trying to account for the random bullshit he’ll get himself into. Thirty-six hours if he doesn’t dive headfirst into a room full of assassins or decide to fight an alien overlord bare-handed or whatever other crazy shit will spring up that the just <em> has </em> to get involved in. Clint and Sam are reasonable people, they can (maybe) reel him in. </p><p>Five vials, each with a minimum of four hours and maxing out at six. That’s anywhere from twenty to thirty hours of uninterrupted sleep to get him through the end of this god-awful week. </p><p>After careful consideration, he decides to take it all now. It won’t last the whole time, but that’s probably for the best. He can sleep in Steve’s bed with enough time to change the sheets, clean-up, and shower to make himself presentable. Perfect, really. </p><p><b>Day Seven: </b>He dreams, which is wrong. </p><p>He’s never dreamed while he’s under the meds, not once, yet he dreams of blue eyes (wide, concerned) and Steve’s voice (panicked, desperate) and a vague feeling of nausea (muted, distant). </p><p>Then Bucky’s frail hold on the dream slips away and there’s blackness again. </p><p>When he wakes up again, it’s to shouting.</p><p>“I’m the one who warned you, wasn’t I?” Stark says defensively. He's not yelling, he's not the one who woke Bucky up. </p><p>“You’re also the one who gave him the stuff!” Steve practically screams. “You damn well better have been the one to tell me, because if I’d found out from someone else…” </p><p>“To be fair,” Tony says, hands raised in surrender, “I thought you knew.” </p><p>“Knew you were giving him horse tranquilizers?” Steve hisses back. Bucky imagines him clenching his fist like he’s about to punch something. </p><p>Someone. </p><p>“Well, horse tranquilizers are technically weaker and wouldn’t be enough to actually—” He takes a look at Steve. “I should shut up, shouldn’t I?” </p><p>“You really should.” A pause and then more gently, his voice cracked and broken, “He’s gonna be okay, though, right?” </p><p>“Yeah, he’ll be fine. You got him in time. Well, fine in a relative sense. As fine as he usually is. No promises about all the cuckoo that was already in there, but yeah, he’ll recover.” Another pause, then a begrudging, “Sorry.” </p><p>Steve bristles at that; Bucky knows he wants to accept the apology, doesn’t want to burn that bridge again, but he’s too angry to do it right now. </p><p>Instead all Stark gets is a menacing “You fucking better be sorry” before Steve turns away. </p><p>Which is of course the moment he notices Bucky watching them. </p><p>“Jesus—Buck!” He’s at Bucky’s side, holding his right arm with his fingers over his pulse like Bucky won’t notice. He sits next to him, their eyes almost level, and asks, “You okay?”</p><p>Stark gracefully bows out of the room. </p><p>“I’m fine.” Bucky’s tongue is numb, doesn’t quite seem to fit in his mouth anymore, but he forces the words out. “The fuck happened?” </p><p>“You nearly OD’d.” Steve says it like it physically pains him, each word not so much spoken but rather torn from his lungs, his soul. </p><p>“Oh.” He suddenly feels like an idiot and wishes he’d just learned to sleep through the nightmares like a normal person in the first place.</p><p>“I found you,” Steve whispers. His eyes are filling with tears, tears Bucky wants to wipe away but he can’t quite seem to make his hands cooperate; he’s also not sure if it’s worth letting go of Steve’s hands to do it. “Tony called me and I came back and thank fuck I got here in time. What the hell were you thinking, Buck? Were you… were you <em> trying </em> to die?” </p><p>Bucky frowns and shakes his head. “Course not. Just trying to sleep.” </p><p>
  <em> Just trying to not miss you. Just trying to make it through a couple more days.  </em>
</p><p><em> Fuck. </em> </p><p>Relief washes over Steve’s face, but it’s short-lived. There are worry lines around his eyes and a pain there that Bucky recognizes but doesn’t understand. </p><p>“Why can’t you sleep?” Steve asks patiently. </p><p>That’s a loaded question. Bucky’s not even sure he knows the answer anymore, either. </p><p>He shrugs, which is the wrong thing to do, because it makes Steve’s beautiful blue eyes darken. </p><p>“I’m gonna need a better answer than that. I find out you’re taking tranquilizers to sleep, no big deal, but you had enough in your system to get you a heart rate of thirty-five and blood pressure of sixty over thirty. You were just about <em> dead </em> when I found you… What the fuck would’ve happened if I’d gotten there a few minutes later, huh?” </p><p><em> Well, I probably </em> <b> <em>would</em> </b> <em> be dead, </em> he thinks. As stupid as he was to get himself into this mess, though, he’s not stupid enough to say <em> that </em> right now. </p><p>“Sorry,” he says again. It’s about as effective as when Stark tried it. </p><p>“Sorry—<em>sorry!?” </em> Steve’s laugh is a strangled thing; he lets go of Bucky's hand. “You can’t almost die on me and think sorry cuts it. You were <em> in my bed</em>, for christ’s sake. You almost died <em> in my bed </em> and you think… Fuck, do you think… How could you <em> possibly</em>…” </p><p>It’s not often that words completely fail Steven Grant Rogers, and it breaks Bucky a bit to know he caused this. </p><p>Steve bends forward then and all but wraps Bucky in an embrace, like he can somehow shield Bucky from the bad dreams that brought him here. There’s a hand in his hair, winding so tightly it almost hurts.</p><p>“You were supposed to be safe here.” Steve presses a kiss to his forehead, so light it’s barely more than the brush of his lips over his skin, and then whispers, “I can’t… I can’t lose you anymore, Buck. You hear me? I can’t do that again. Don’t make me live through that again.” </p><p>And then it clicks into place: Bucky’s soul screams out in loneliness and Steve’s echoes back in pain. Two halves of a whole, and the only thing keeping them from <em>being</em> whole is Bucky not knowing any better. </p><p>“I think I love you,” Bucky says. It’s not the best time for a love confession, but his brain feels like it went through a blender; he doesn’t have the good sense to time it better, though that at least means he doesn’t have the filter to hold it back. </p><p>Steve sobs then and somehow manages to hold him tighter. </p><p>“I love you, too, you fucking <em> jerk</em>.” </p><p>It’s a small step forward, despite how monumentally huge it feels, and Bucky has the feeling he’ll be sleeping just fine from here on out. He’s got someone watching out for him, after all. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>bonus scene: steve and nat's video chat</b><br/><b>steve:</b> *tells a story about something stupid clint did*<br/><b>nat:</b> i mean yeah, i don't know what you expected. i warned you he's a hot mess.<br/><b>steve:</b> yep :)<br/><b>steve:</b><br/><b>steve:</b><br/><b>steve:</b> i miss bucky :((((<br/><b>nat:</b> i know. you've only brought him up ten times in this five minute call.<br/>also please note that bucky sleeps well every night now because he gets steve snuggles <strike>assuming he doesn't fall asleep a fucked out mess</strike></p></blockquote></div></div>
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